As I Am
Jordana Silverman is a former Jewish communal professional turned advertising employee living in NJ with her husband, son, and dog. She has been managing her personal anxiety and depression through medication, yoga, exercise, and nutrition (on and off) since 2012. Her journey is imperfect, caffeine-fueled, and powered by Gilmore Girls reruns.
:בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה ה' אֱלהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעולָם. שֶׁעָשנִי כִּרְצונו
Ba’ruch Ata Adoni Eloheinu Melech Ha’Olam, She’asani Kirtzono
Thank you, G-d, for making me as I am.
That is a pretty bold statement and one I am often hesitant to make. I am v e r y good at looking in the mirror and telling you all the things I’d prefer to improve, rather than be grateful for.
I’m not smart enough. I’m not pretty enough. My postpartum belly is definitely not flat enough. My relationships with others are not strong and secure enough. I don’t have enough time to do my job well, see my child, be a doting wife, and be a wonderful and present friend.
It’s like a moment out of Mean Girls:
Mean Girls
But I’d like to be grateful that my weird hairline is a sign that my hormones cycled properly after bringing a new life into this world… amongst other things!
Shifting My Mindset Toward Gratitude
So, I sought out ways to shift my mindset. One powerful way had been through a mantra, or intention I would set at the start of a yoga class or other work out:
“However well this workout goes, at least it is a workout,” or simply “Gratitude not attitude.”
However, as a child of all the sects of Judaism with a strong Jewish foundation, I wanted to find where in the ancient words I could seek wisdom.
There is a list of blessings commonly recited during the morning prayers (called Shacharit) where we express gratitude for being awake, for being free, and for being Jewish.
We praise G-d for opening our eyes, clothing us, bringing us water, and helping us stand tall. Within that mix of praise and gratitude is one prayer that men are asked to recite as, “Thank you Hashem for not making me a woman,” while women are asked to recite, “Thank you for making me as I am.” Why should a man be grateful to not be a woman? What is wrong or lesser in womanhood!?
While many before me have delved into the negativity of this conversation, instead, I want to isolate the potential for goodness and gratitude in simply being yourself.
What if we simply explored the idea of being able to say to ourselves, every morning, “Thank you for making me the way that I am?
“Thank you for making me the way that I am”
Some days this can seem like a nearly impossible task. Personally, my brain functions better with store-bought serotonin. Because of this (and the normal stresses of life), like many women, I’ve suffered through my fair share of panic attacks and dark and stormy moods that come along with confusion and self-deprecation.
Am I supposed to hide and be ashamed? Should I be shouting from the rooftops like an activist? Or is this something that just is, and it’s not meant to be spoken about?
She’asani kirtzono. “Who made me according to [Her] will.” This is simply how I was made.
Jewish tradition teaches that "one who sees…people with disfigured faces or limbs, recites the blessing,
“Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, who makes people different.’”
So if being created as we are is a blessing (simply made different), then I invite you to believe with me that your mental health is not a judgment, not a levied punishment for some karmic act. It is a blessing; a difference from someone else, but nothing more.
On days when it is particularly hard to be grateful that I was made the way I am, I reflect upon the value in reciting a prayer like “she’asani kirtzono.”
In the hardest moments, this can be a valuable mantra that calls upon Jewish wisdom. This kind of gratitude and self-acceptance is invaluable in allowing us to bring more goodness and light into our lives, and how we see ourselves.
Am I grateful that I was made as I am? Though hesitantly, I say that the answer is yes.
There is only one you
Today, I invite you to create a space in your daily ritual. Whether or not you say a traditional set of morning prayers, you have ritual. You wake up, you relieve yourself, brush your teeth and hair, put on your gear for the day and pause in front of the mirror to take one last glance before you rush off for your morning coffee and commute.
The next time you catch a glimpse of yourself looking fabulous before your day begins, I invite you to say “I am so lucky to be me” or “thank you for making me as I am,” because we are so lucky that the world has you.
There is only one you. There is only one me. As flawed, lumpy, and imperfect as I may be, and though I may struggle, I am glad that I am here, living as my imperfect self. And I’m glad you are here with me, too.