Supporting a Friend Facing Infertility During the High Holidays
By Rabbi Idit Solomon
Rabbi Idit Solomon is the founder and CEO of Hasidah, a non-profit dedicated to raising awareness about infertility in the Jewish community, connecting people to support, and reducing financial barriers to treatment. She earned her Master’s degree in Jewish Education and ordination from HUC-JIR in Los Angeles. She has previously worked as a business systems analyst, the VP of Jewish Education and Director of Jewish Community Relations at the Columbus Jewish Federation, and at the Ohio State University Hillel. She lives in the Bay Area with her husband and three daughters.
Infertility is a challenge at any time of the year, but during The High Holidays, it can be especially hard. Why? Because The High Holidays are full of fertility themes – from the birth of the world to the birth of Isaac. We also read about Hannah and her painful and lonely struggles with infertility, and her poetic pleas for a son. The holiday family time and resulting reflection on the year can be hard for those who are imagining their own future family and not seeing it happening.
What can you do to help someone going through such struggles? Below are some questions to ask yourself and then some actions you can take to help remove isolation and pain that often comes when facing infertility.
1. Ask yourself if this is your business.
Do you have a close enough relationship with this person that you would talk about such personal issues? Some people are open about their fertility situation and for others it is a private matter. Consider both them and yourself and if you are the person to offer support.
2. Ask yourself what you hope to accomplish in reaching out.
Do you know much about their situation? Are you wanting to share your own experience or advice? (Hint: don’t do it). Make sure you know your motivation and make sure it is about them.
3. Be with them.
High Holidays especially are a family-focused time. Invite them for a meal, go to services together, and include them in activities. Also understand if something is overly kid-focused they may not want to attend.
4. Offer a distraction.
They did make it to the huge Rosh Hashana meal and need a break. Go to a movie, massage, lunch or whatever one would normally do to not have to focus on that.
5. Get involved.
If they are in treatment, it doesn’t stop for the holidays. Anything from finding a place for them to connect to giving them a ride to an appointment. Use your time on something that matters.
6. Lend an ear.
Listen, without giving advice. Reflect on what you hear. Offer a time they can share their feelings with you, a designated one-on-one time where your gift is to simply listen.
7. Send an email or text.
“I’m thinking of you and hoping you know you are not alone through this. No need to reply. XO”
8. Tell them you care.
Actions speak louder than words, but words matter too. Let them know how you feel about them.
9. Embrace the season of forgiveness.
On the High Holidays, we take inventory of our relationships and mistakes. Sometimes we do make mistakes even with the best of intentions. Let them know that if you ever did say or do anything insensitive, you are sorry and ask how they want to be supported.
10. Resist advice if they ask.
Some people may say, “What should I do?” The best advice to offer is not what you would do or what you think. Help them find their own priorities and boundaries so they can move forward. Do they need a time limit for themselves? A limit on expenses? Number of treatments? An emotional boundary on their marriage, mental health or their social life? On High Holidays we also focus on what is important to us. Help them focus on that.
Most importantly, follow up on all of these offers and stay in touch! Any personal challenge can be painful and isolating. Staying connected is the best medicine for the heart and soul.