7 Ways To Strengthen Your Relationship During Social Isolation
By Mickie Simon
Mickie Simon is a clinical social worker who has worked with individuals, families and couples for over 20 years. She is a founding member of the Jewish Mindfulness Center of Washington and works to promote social change for women and girls through community organizations in Washington, DC.
During this unprecedented moment of COVID-19 and being quarantined in our homes, we are all adjusting to a new normal. Being under the same roof all day long, for three meals a day, seven days a week with a significant other/romantic partner is an adjustment and an opportunity.
It is natural to have conflict during this time and our differences that sometimes are the very qualities that drew us to each other can now be the source of discord. Our individual styles of coping with the unknown and unexpected show themselves during stressful moments. It can help to express your needs around how you cope with fear (for example - you may need to limit your media consumption as watching CNN gets you agitated and your partner may feel a need to get information to feel more at ease and in control). When we can understand, make space for and respect our partners style then we can support each other. Moving away from being right or there being one way to do things in this time of uncertainty will mitigate against polarization and the feeling that your partner’s way is a threat to you.
It is also important to recognize the need for physical space during this time. Creating opportunities to have space and separateness while staying connected is the goal.
There are ways we can manage our stress, worries and the unknown together to support a healthy relationship during these uncertain times. Our rich Jewish teachings, traditions and rituals offer us some guidance.
When it comes to romantic love, there is a Jewish concept known as beshert - simply translated to mean a soul-mate. I do not believe that there is only one soul-mate out there for each of us - I do think that there are many people who can grow into our soul mates. One of the most important factors I see as a therapist in building healthy romantic relationships is coming to the relationship as a whole separate self. We are not half of a whole. So how do we get there or maintain what we have?
Here are a few Jewish concepts that I want to share that might give some insight into how we can bring that joy and grow and nurture romantic relationships.
The Joy and Light are within you!
As the Bal Shem Tov, a jewish mystic and healer explains, from every person rises a light and when two souls come together, the light they create together shines even brighter. Each individual emanates their own light and healthy relationships are built on this. You cannot expect another person to be the light for you. And just as importantly you cannot be responsible for bringing the light for another. A different way of saying this is that you cannot make another person happy, healthy, or whole. To build a strong balanced relationship both partners must be responsible for bringing these elements into the relationship. Especially during these difficult times, we must remember to show love and compassion for ourselves first.This then makes us better partners and supporters for others.
Kavanah (Intention)
Interact and respond with intention rather than with reactivity. One way to do this is to start with ourselves and do the hard but important work of looking inward and working on unhealthy patterns, working through trauma, managing anxiety and building our self-confidence. Jewish holidays and rituals give us some guidance on this front. Yom Kippur asks us to recommit to being our better selves while taking responsibility for our mistakes and the ways we might have unintentionally harmed another.
Teshuva
Teshuva is a powerful concept - Teshuva means both repentance/forgiveness and returning to ourselves. We must both forgive ourselves - learning and growing from mistakes and transgressions. And return to the person we are at our core and have always been. We can set an intention/ kavanah to return to our better selves in moments of conflict and stress. This is a central theme on the high holidays but also throughout the year on Rosh Chodesh. The Kabbalists of 16th century S’fat created the idea of Yom Kippur Katan - the holy day came each month the day preceding Rosh Chodesh and the tradition was to fast and to prepare for the new moon in the same spirit of Yom Kippur with the goal of self-examination, repentance and a commitment to renewal and the possibility of redemption. Renewal is challenging as we have to look inward and be honest with ourselves about what is holding us back, keeping us stuck, distorting our perspective, constricting our hearts and minds. When we do this work we can come to our relationships with less reactivity and more intention.
Tzim Tzum
Another jewish concept that provides us with some insight into building balanced relationships is the concept of Tzim Tzum. Tzim Tzum is the kabbalistic notion that prior to creation g-d had to contract his infinite light to make room for creation to occur. In the same way that g-d needed to pull back his powerful light to make room for a partnership with humankind to build this world- we too can use this concept to be better partners. Tzim tzum might ask us to check in to see if we are making space for our partner to be who they want to be, for their beliefs and commitments. Especially during this time when so much is uncertain, we can practice making room for other ideas and coping styles than our own.
Maintaining your space
In addition to creating space for the relationship, it is critical to maintain space for separateness and individuality. A romantic relationship is only one relationship in your life and must be balanced by other meaningful connections and relationships with others. In relationships we must hold connection and separateness at the same time. It is more critical than ever right now to maintain connections with those who you cannot physically be with but who are part of your support system.
Communication
In couples counseling there is a lot of focus on communication - what we say and how we say it. The practice of active listening, reflecting back what you heard, refrain from making assumptions or assuming someone can read your mind. It can be helpful to think again about Kavanah - ask yourself “what is my intention for this conversation- to be kind, to be right, to be understood, to express my needs?” You can also ask yourself if you are assuming the best intentions of the other person. Maimonides, the famous Jewish philosopher of the 12th century gave us guidelines regarding communication that are still relevant today. I believe that one of the most important tenets is “communicate without shaming the other.”
Gratitude
Another helpful factor in building healthy romantic relationships is gratitude. We hear a lot today about gratitude - however it is a deeply jewish concept that is part of every day living and most of our prayers. Judaism speaks of the wisdom of seeing with the good eye. What this means in relationships is looking for those qualities and actions you appreciate and expressing them to your partner. In Judaism the first words we are taught to say each day are Modeh Ani - I give thanks. One of the most beautiful jewish prayers is the Shehecheyanu - taking a moment to express gratitude for arriving at the moment and being with the people who are present in the moment. And it is a powerful fact that the mourner's kaddish is not about death but gratitude.
Social science research shows that thankfulness reduces toxic emotions such as resentment, frustration and regret and makes depression less likely. It helps people avoid over-reacting to negative experiences by seeking revenge. It even tends to make people sleep better. It enhances self-respect, making it less likely that you will envy others for their achievements or success. Grateful people tend to have better relationships. Feeling gratitude is also a major factor in strengthening resilience.
Embodied Practices
Judaism offers many embodied practices like the mikvah, dance, prayer... these rituals help us to be able to be in our own mind and body. A healthy relationship is built on an ability to stay connected to yourself in the presence of a partner. Being in touch with your own body and mind allows you to ask yourself when do I feel insecure, fearful, undesirable and move away from blame and asking why your partner does not make you feel this way. This is a powerful way to bring your healthiest self to relationships.
Jewish teachings and rituals provide insights and strategies to build, sustain and thrive in healthy romantic relationships. During this time of disruption and uncertainty, tensions and fragmentations are bound to happen. Our romantic relationships also have the capacity to be a significant source of continuity and anchoring. As life has slowed down and narrowed in terms of our physical interactions with the outside world, there is the possibility to use the time and space to be intentional about how we interact and engage with our partner so that we can get through this time with mutual support, kindness and love.