Cultivating a Kehillah
By Meghan Jalowiec
Meghan Jalowiec is the co-founder of Madams at the Well. She is from an interfaith family and followed her path to Judaism. When she is not connecting women in the Jewish community, she is helping people on their journey to optimal health. She lives in Phoenix, Arizona with her husband, Joshua, and their chihuahua, Skeeter.
The hardest thing for me to create while growing up was my own kehillah (kuh-hee-lah) - my own community. I changed schools frequently because my parents couldn’t decide between private or public, or I’d age into another school.
Over the years, while there were a lot of people with whom I was friendly, I could never get friends as close as those kids who had known each other since kindergarten. I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I think it was because of how I was raised, or... maybe how I WASN’T raised.
My mother was Irish-Catholic and my father is East Coast Jewish. By the time they met and married in the early ‘70s, each had grown to place more spiritual value on the idea of treating others with loving kindness over that of their respective religious rituals or practices. So, when it came time to raise my sisters and me, they focused on helping us develop strong personal connections and compassion for others, as opposed to developing a strong personal connection during a specific type of prayer service.
Because of this, I struggled to find my place spiritually and went searching for some answers. I knew a great deal about my mother’s family history, tracing our lineage back to Ireland. There was so much pride in her family for their Irish heritage that it encouraged me to learn more about my father’s family. Since I knew he didn’t want to talk much about his personal experiences, I started studying Judaism as a whole. I knew there would be value in learning about the faith and traditions of our people.
I let myself be open to learning from and connecting with anyone and everyone associated with the faith--young or old; Orthodox to Reform--you name it, I could learn from them.
Through my journey, I found many people who each lit a flame within my soul, drawing me closer to a light I couldn’t identify, but knew I wanted to be closer to. I discovered the best way to keep this flame within me burning was to surround myself with strong, competent, Jewish women, but struggled to find a group where I fit it:
I wasn’t married at the time
I have no children
I wasn’t in college anymore
Through my networking, I connected with some amazing ladies through Moishe House Phoenix We started chatting via text message about different events we could go to together or simply just wishing each other Shabbat Shalom. We started the formal Facebook Group in November 2016 called Madams at the Well as a central place of information and to schedule meetings. When my friend, Alissa Mroz, introduced me to At The Well, we were able to leverage their resources, like their moon journals, to give us more substantive content when we got together.
Some of the Madams at their third annual Hanukkah Gift Exchange. Front: Lisa Marie, Alissa Mroz (co-founder), Rachel Freidus, Tisha Scherr. Middle: Mila Altman. Back: Aviva Levine, Lisa Fink, Jen Jalowiec Carrocci, Samantha Lieberman, Meghan Jalowiec (co-founder)
Over the past three years, these women became my lifeline. We connect in the group almost daily and meet up each month. We always show up for each other: for conversions (mine, included), job promotions, weekend get-a-ways, breakups, and the passing of loved ones. In 2018, I had to take a step back from our group to care for my mother during the end of her life. While our in-person gatherings took a pause, our online community grew ever stronger. And when my mother finally passed in July 2018, these women--these wonderful, caring women--showed up for me.
It’s important to support other women and the best way to do that is to lead by example. If you want to see changes in the world, you first have to make changes in YOUR world. In order to see yourself through your journey, it’s important to find a strong community of women that give you the support and strength you need to face your life from a more powerful place - like the women from Torah below.
Ruth
I connect most with Ruth. Maybe because she, too, wasn’t raised in the Jewish faith, but the first time I heard the infamous quote from her book was in my favorite movie, Fried Green Tomatoes.
“And Ruth said, ‘Do not entreat me to leave you, to return from following you, for wherever you go, I will go, and wherever you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people and your God my God.’” (R 1:16).
Regardless, it stuck with me. In studying her story, we are reminded that family goes beyond bloodline. She was dissatisfied with the way her life was going and was attracted to the beauty of the laws and customs of the Jewish people. Our family can be whomever we choose to allow into our lives. Ruth is also a reminder that if someone chooses to follow the path of Judaism, they must do so for their own benefit and not because someone else requires it. When she insisted to Naomi that she would not return to the land of her birth, she stated “Your people shall be my people and your God my God.” She didn’t have anywhere else to go because with Naomi and the Jewish people, she was home.
Miriam
Miriam is the ultimate event planner, or rather, wrangler of the people. And the first female prophet, a strong, independent woman, and an early example of women challenging the leadership of men, in this case her brother, Moses. Miriam recognizes that effective leadership requires diverse perspectives and questions the idea that Moses is the only one to have heard the words of G-d (Num. 12:2). Her boldness is punished both physically and socially, but the people still love her, for they remember that it was Miriam who sang them away from Pharaoh. Other than being the sister of Aaron and Moses, there is no mention of Miriam having any other family--no husband or children to speak of. Either she never had those relationships or their absence reminds us that women can be meaningful and impactful all on their own.
Esther
I see Esther as a metaphor for adolescence. As we mature, we are often made to feel like we can’t be who we truly ARE, that we need to conform to fit in, follow certain rules. Of course this was before the idea of “living your best life” was trendy. I think everyone can relate to having to wear different masks at different moments in their journeys, or maybe even in a single day. Are you always your truest self at work AND at home? Do you act the same way in front of your parents that you do your kids? Do you talk to your rabbi the same way you talk to your friends? I mean, I DO, only because my rabbi is one of my best friends. Esther’s story reminds us that sometimes we have to shield parts of ourselves for the sake of self preservation. She also reminded us that when we see injustices in the world--especially towards the Jewish people--we need to show are oppressors what we are really made of.
Whatever you want your Jewish life to look like, you are going to have to create it yourself.
And that creation can be as simple as one relationship. Find your Miriam with her timbrel, or your Esther who will let you lay down your mask, or your Ruth who will welcome you among her people. You never know where that one relationship may take you. Embracing the laws and the traditions of faith are important, but cultivating a strong kehillah is a precious gift from G-d.