Finding Friends in a New City: How I Started My First Well Circle
By Jacqueline Bereznyak
After years as a Director at leading wellness company Wanderlust, Jacky left NYC establishing a coaching practice (fallentriangle.com), working with entrepreneurs and creatives to strengthen and better focus their brand strategy and execution. Jacky is also a consultant for a handful of start-ups focusing on business development and partnerships. After a year of continuous travel, she and her husband landed in Austin, TX. A natural community-builder, Jacky created her first Well Circle with new connections, Emily Colman, Erika Eskenazi, and Katherine Kartis.
Moving can be exciting and also lonely, especially with little to no roots in your new city. I work remotely and this adds an extra layer of isolation. Here are a few tips and tricks that I have learned after moving to three major cities over the past decade, with Austin being the most recent:
Grow Your Tribe
You don’t have to start from scratch even if you don’t know many people in your new city. I only knew two people in Austin when I moved here. I really put myself out there and relied on my two friends to introduce me to people that they knew in town. I had to keep going out and meeting new people. I also asked friends from other parts of my life who they knew that lived in Austin. I asked them to set me up with people and yea it was kind of awkward but so worth it. At The Well is the perfect example. I reached out to founder, Sarah Waxman and asked her if there were any circles in Austin. There weren’t so I set out to co-create one.
Keep Going
To quote the late great Aliyah, “if at first you don’t succeed, try again... Try again.” You’re not going to connect with everyone that you meet and that’s totally okay! Keep meeting people and nurture the connections that feel authentic.
Be Patient
Relationships take time to develop. The more you participate and engage with your community, the deeper the bond you will feel with your new friends. Keep showing up.
Moving is an “intensely emotional experience” as stated in the Psychology of Moving by the New York Times. They force us to re-evaluate what our priorities are. For me it has always been the importance of connection with community, so I made it my priority to create a Well Circle in Austin.
Our monthly circle has become a source of support, inspiration and connection. By being open to and participating in cultivating a community, I am growing as an individual and my family is growing too! We recently helped rescue a puppy that was found through our At The Well community here in Austin. I’m not saying that beginning a Well Circle guarantees that you will have the perfect pup land in your life BUT you might be pleasantly surprised by the unintended benefits of being open to building relationships and participating.
Putting yourself out there is so worth it. It’s important to feel supported in your new environment and to participate. Participation fosters a sense of connectivity with your new community.
“Participation fosters a sense of connectivity with your new community. ”
Of course it’s not so simple in practice. Creating a community such as a Well Circle can be intimidating, even for the most outgoing person. Fears of if anyone will actually show up, if what you are offering is beneficial for people and so many other thoughts might keep you from taking the first step to cultivate community. You might not like what I’m about to suggest but the truth is, the only way to do anything is to do it. Acknowledge these thoughts and then put yourself out there anyway. There is no way to fail here, even if it takes a few times to find the people that you really vibe with.
3 Steps to create a new Well Circle in a new city
Think big, act small
Having a vision is exciting and can be overwhelming. Rather than scattering to do a bunch of things, narrow down your list to the one thing that you can do to create your At The Well Circle. For me, my first step was to reach out to At The Well to see if there was already a community here in Austin. Luckily Emily Colman who also recently relocated to Austin was interested in beginning a circle and so was my friend Katherine Kartis. By doing that one thing, I set off a domino effect to begin a circle. Once everyone was connected, the momentum and excitement carried us forward.
Invite and create time for belonging
The next step was to set a date and agree on a format. Luckily we had a pro, Erika Eskenazi visiting Austin who sat down with us to share the wisdom she gathered from hosting tons of circles over many years in NYC. Erika ended up moving to Austin shortly after allowing our core circle to grow. From there we each decided how many people we were going to invite and were intentional in this process.
Facilitate with meaning
Then we agreed on the content and format of the first At The Well Circle in Austin. Fortunately, At The Well offers a ton of helpful content, activities and reflections on their website and in their monthly e-newsletters. Once we had a theme and format for our first Circle we made sure to link the content back to what is happening in our lives today to ensure that it’s most relevant to the people in the room.
The day of our first Circle arrived and it was an extra special time because we decided to meet on Yom Kippur to break fast together. Anytime I find myself anxious or stuck in my own head, I turn toward an attitude of service and gratitude. I love hosting because it reminds me that the experience isn’t about me at all. I bring a certain energy to the space in an effort to serve my guests which fosters a sense of connectivity with the world around me ultimately sparking joy in my own life. When hosting a circle, or any gathering, I suggest the following:
Know your intention
what feeling- state are you trying to create? What are you hoping to inspire in your guests? Draw inspiration from the themes in the monthly At The Well newsletter and current events.
Create an environment
create an environment that allows people to relax and connect with each other. This can be done through lighting, seating arrangements, removing clutter and creating a sense of privacy (kick the roomies and significant others out if they aren’t participating).
Make a plan
Plan out a run of show for the evening including what you will be doing, approximately how long each activity will take, and who is leading which activity. Erika Eskenazi, who had facilitated Well Circles for a couple years in NYC, joined our second circle and beyond after moving to Austin. She helped us think through a format for the evening, including pairing off for an activity, small group work, individual writing prompts, group shares and more. It’s okay to go off script and be in the flow of the evening once things get started. However, having an agenda provides an anchor and direction and will set your Circle up for success.
Example Agenda:
6:15-6:30 Guests Arrive
6:30-6:35 Grounding Meditation and Gratitude Exercise (Group)
6:35-7:00 Dinner (Group)
7:00-7:10 Noticing Exercise (Group)
7:10-7:40 Curiosity Game (Paired)
7:40-8:40 Learning, Journaling & Sharing (Individual, Group)
8:40-8:45 Intention Setting / Accountability (Group)
Advice for how to keep it going once you get started
Partner Up
It’s easier to guarantee the longevity of a Circle if more than one person is invested in keeping it going. At The Well encourages a rotating leadership model, where every month has a different facilitator. We have four core women who have attended every Austin Circle to date and we rotate hosting between this group. As our group grows our consistent members will continue to become leaders and co-hosts too!
Always Set A Date
Always set a date at the beginning of each month, if not at the last meeting.
Ultimately, it takes energy and effort to grow a community in a new city or even in your hometown. Participation, resilience, and patience are all required. The sense of connectivity with the world around us is worth all of the energy that the relationships in our life require. Think big and act small. What’s the one thing you can do right now to create a Well Circle? Perhaps it’s making a list of potential co-hosts and reaching out to them. Okay, now go do it — knock down the first domino and see where it leads you.