True Story: How I Started My Well Circle
By Karina Totah
Karina is a recently-married Brooklynite of Sephardic and Armenian descent. She has always sought out Jewish spaces that meld her different sides: the warmth and fervor of Sephardic culture with her fierce feminism, and the appreciation of different religions’ spirituality with her deep love of Judaism. She started a circle in Brooklyn in February 2019 with 5 other women, all at various stages of partnership and motherhood.
It was the beginning of January 2019 and everyone around me was resolving to lose weight, meditate more or shop less. My New Year’s resolution was different: start a Well Circle. One year later I find myself part of this sacred, strong group of women. Every month I know that I will take a pause, reflect and learn something new from the wisdom of my Well Circle and from the wisdom of Jewish women through the ages.
I remember coming to a Well Circle fresh off a monster fight with my partner, and another time stressed beyond belief about wedding planning. Each time I doubted that I would be able to focus enough for the Well Circle, let alone that it would help me. But each time, it transformed me. The energy, the grounding rituals, the deep thoughtfulness, and the safe and comfortable space we had created made it…otherworldly.
In recent months, we’ve been exploring the theme of anger (Cheshvan!). This was an emotion I vilified and one I thought I was above. Yet, in the 24 hours after our Cheshvan Well Circle, I thoughtfully expressed feelings of anger to three different people! It was AWESOME to feel free and clear enough to do that.
Starting My Own Well Circle
I’d been simmering on the idea of a Well Circle since I first read about it in a friend’s Facebook post in March 2017. It was so appealing to me to bring together women’s health and Jewish spirituality in a strong group of women. While starting a Well Circle was at the top of my list, I felt really lost because I didn’t have a group of Jewish girlfriends. A friend came to visit NYC and I discovered that she was part of a Well Circle in DC! It was super helpful to hear about her experience and helped me realize that my assumption about needing a pre-existing group of Jewish girlfriends was FALSE, so I decided to take action
1. Don’t be afraid of strangers.
I invited people to join from a huge cross-section of my life, and none of them knew each other. That was both intimidating and exciting. Because almost all were strangers, it was democratizing—we all had to put ourselves out there to connect and to collaborate. It also created a special energy for our Well Circle since we only knew one another in that context. Lastly, it offered each invitee a chance to make new friends with substantive connection—something we get few opportunities to do as adults.
2. Be ready for rejection.
Like dating, when you put yourself out there, not everyone will say yes. There were some people I had to chase for responses, only to hear a “no, thanks.” Others were slightly offended by my assuming they would want to do Jewish things, and some kept saying they wanted to attend but could never follow through. I chose not to take any of this personally and be satisfied with those who did feel ready to take a risk, even if that group was small at first.
3. Be intentional about whom you invite, and ensure diversity.
I had to go through a lot of different networks (thank you, social media!) to figure out who to invite and how to ensure it wasn’t an echo chamber. I considered many different parts of my life: childhood friends from Jewish school, former colleagues from a decade prior, friends of my siblings, friends of friends who I’d only met a few times, wives of friends whom I would see at Jewish events, bar trivia buddies, people I ran into at the gym, neighbors, acquaintances from professional associations, and non-Jewish friends who might be interested and open.
4. Use the Guidebooks, especially for messaging and first facilitations.
I had to sell a Well Circle without having actually participated in one! I relied heavily on the messaging and suggestions from the Well Circle Support Packets to write my invitation emails, and merged it with my own style. I spent a lot of time putting together the facilitation for the first Well Circle because I had a ton to learn for myself, and to model for others. Since then, my facilitation prep takes a ¼ of the time.
5. Solicit input from members early on.
Even before our first meeting, I put together a survey for the group to weigh in on what monthly themes interested them most, which modes of facilitation they were most comfortable with, and what values of a Well Circle resonated with them. I also put together a Doodle poll to schedule the first meeting.
Leah, Tema, Karina, Courtney, and Reshima (not pictured Ilana)
The First Well Circle Meeting
I was definitely nervous at our first meeting! Adar. I had no idea how people would get along, react to the content, or feel about the “level” of Jewishness. I relied on the Guidebooks and the moon manual a bunch, while also believing in myself to put together something that was authentically me.
The room: Candlelit with a chill soundtrack.
The ritual: We gathered in a circle around a little centerpiece of candles and fresh herbs. Then we each lit a candle, paying homage to the fires lit by our ancestors on the hilltops of Jerusalem to signify the beginning of Rosh Chodesh.
The rules: I calmly went through some ground rules (that listening and confidentiality were priorities for the group) and asked for feedback (and got some!).
The shares: I asked people why they had chosen to join the circle, leading first with my story. I was open about the happy and sad things that made a Well Circle important to me. Others followed with candor, as well.
My first facilitation: After some readings from the Moon Manual, I asked each person to tell a funny story from their life. We laughed together--amazing for a group of mostly strangers!--and I’ve found that we still discuss some of those stories today. I invited others to do readings, as well. And then we finished out with an activity that was challenging for me to do: I guided us through a laughing meditation. It was awkward for me but freeing, and everyone was receptive.
Closing ritual and forward planning: It was only after our closing ritual of blowing out the candles together that we took on logistics like scheduling and inviting more members. That has since remained our system: we do logistics once we’ve closed, usually setting the next 1-2 months of meetings.
Almost one year into it, here is what I have learned:
How to keep a Well Circle going and growing
1. Be ready to carry more of the load for the beginning
Be ready to carry more of the load for the beginning, especially if you’re starting a circle on your own. For the first meeting, I was both facilitator and host. For the 2nd meeting, I was facilitator. For the first several meetings, I was scheduler, and I was also orienting people on how to facilitate on their own for the first time. I knew all of this would be required to get people comfortable, to model how the circle could work and feel, and to build more group ownership. It took a few months, but I can confidently say, this is now a group with rotating leadership.
2. Support others as they learn to facilitate.
I checked in with anyone who was facilitating for the first time, offering resources and sharing the outline from my first facilitations. I volunteered to go through their drafts with them or just made sure they felt ok.
3. Be open to new members.
Some of the original crew had people they wanted to invite and others who had initially turned me down were now ready. It takes time to figure out who is invested enough in attending monthly with regularity—we didn’t stabilize for several months. And since people’s life situations change, we are also re-opening our circle to welcome new members through some “open houses” for a 2-month stretch. We’re inviting people referred through friends and through ATW, and we’ll mutually assess fit after spending a few Well Circles together.
4. Use different modalities to keep people engaged.
The guidebooks offer several different modalities to create a sacred space of community and connection. It ranges from storytelling, to arts and crafts, to movement, to music and food. Often times, facilitators feel comfortable in only a few of these modalities. Try to establish a norm in your group of facilitators “stretching” and trying out new things with the group that also helps them grow their skillsets. When we hosted one of our Well Circles outside in Prospect Park at night, it was a great way to switch things up and help us realize our circle did not need to be confined to four walls.
5. Encourage members to follow ATW.
Instead of constantly forwarding newsletters or sending on screenshots of ATW IG posts, I encouraged members to sign up for the lists and follow ATW on social media. This was a great way to get people involved in ATW themes between meetings and to increase a sense of ownership among the group.
6. Create a way to easily communicate as a group.
One member had the excellent idea to establish a WhatsApp group so we could chat in between circles. It’s become a great space to share articles, pictures, and simply just feel supported.
It is rare to have a group of women with whom you can explore spirituality, engage in ritual, and explore what it means to be a woman through Jewish values. It takes a little chutzpah at first to start one, but the rewards are quickly realized. Go be bold and start your own Well Circle!